Fake time

I do not know how this happened. But I think it needs to be written down. For the first time in my conscious life, time on my wrist has travelled faster than real time. The alarm sounded at seven in the morning I presume, I didn’t see. And I doze off for a little while more. When I open my eyes again, I see its half past nine already, on my watch! I skid off the bed in a spring like a rocket from the sun, put on my underwear, jeans and jacket, and I’m ready for school in less than a minute – no potty, no cigarette, no tea, and no cornflakes, nothing today. Its insane how time flies, my mind is running, while I put the frozen lamb chops in water. From behind Eva says “Good morning!” I am startled, surprised and I reply “Morning!” somehow. I can’t see her yet. So I ask, “So late today?” No reply for a few seconds. And then she appears in front of me, in the kitchen, with a blank innocent beauty. I see her saint glimpse and travel to somewhere holier. Her green eyes lined with faint lines of eye liner looks so truly stunning. And her white face is glowing translucent like an angel sent from heaven. I could melt in her arms right now. Still she is still, with her pristine blank face with that look on her face, her eyes – I wish I could freeze the moment. But then she is waiting for me to say something I understood. I asked again, “You’re going late today?” I still do not know why I asked this question, I shouldn’t have. Her gaze blurred, and she disappeared.

“No! What time is it? Half past eight, isn’t it?”

I feel the sky fall on me. I bring myself closer to her and show her my watch – half past nine it was. She almost held my hand, no she didn’t, I wish she had, and took me to her room. She grabbed her phone and showed me the real time. What? How? Why? Questions, questions, and more questions start boggling my mind for the rest of the day.

Ektai bhoy

Ektai bhoy,
Kauke shukhe dekhar chholey
Kokkhono jeno kere nite na hoy
Tomar mukher hashi...
Hoyto shey din
Pari bhuley jete
Ami tomaye o bhalobashi...

Jarei ami khushi kori,
Jaharei ami hashate pari,
Jar chokh theke jol muchhte pari
Ami taharei bhalobashi...
Asha kori,
Jaha onubhob korchi mora
Prem diye jeno kori...
Jaha ei khhoney dekhchi mora
Prem bhora chokhe dekhi
Jaha ei khhoney shikchi mora
Premer sathe shikhi
Dekhchen tini
Mon diye shey
Shudhai tini...
Katbey kobe?
Toder ei glani?
Kobe hobi mukto tora?
Kobe hobi shokto tora?
Kobe tora shob chere chhure
Nachbi gaibi, hashbi hashabi,
Likbhi toder...

Alapon kahini?

See, believe, and wish

See, as I observe

Believe, when I do

And wish, till I wait…

Following my sun

I follow the sun,
And perhaps,
Sun follows another sun!
We us and all,
Are but clay in a doll.
We rise, and we fall,
On a brick wall we crawl.
Yet we move on.
We smile, and we cry,
We go on...

Searching our own sun.

And today I wish,
I may live to love...

Following my sun…!

Chhutir Chhuti

Chhuti bollei chhuti hoy na!
Ruti jutlei bacha jayena!
Aaro koto ki korar ache,
Aaro koto ki bolar ache…
Amar tomar mon joralo,
Aar oder moner katha phuralo?
Eto shohojey?
Shomoy ektu ditey hobe…
Taader sathe boshtey hobe,
Taader kichu boltey hobe...
Uthtey hobe, urtey hobe,
Urtey urtey chhut tey hobe...
Hunkar diye koitey hobe,
Aar chhuti noy, ar chhuti noy, ar chhuti noy!

World of wonders

Shhh.. I am silently entering into a world of wonders…

Wonders of touch, smell and colours…

Juices contained in translucent skins,

About to break

Into squeeze of a sugary drop,

Hanging onto the tip of a leaf

Precariously, making love…

For some more time,

A while more,

As long as it can

Last, long, belong

To the tip of its beloved leaf…

Shhh! Make way for the drop,

Make way for the sounds of silence now…

Mediterranean drops

Sprinkle salt and lime,

To the pink of her prawns

And shine of her dimes.

Here oranges do seed

With so much greed,

And blue bright indigos

They broodingly breed.

Here, trees have shades

Of purple and white,

And green you will see

Is raging bright.

Here, plums please peaches

And apples please pink

Cranberries ooze a punch

Rouged raspberries wink,

Even when you dream, If you may

Touch, blink, and feel this wonder a maze!

Here, I am mine

I am silently entering into an alternate sphere of existence.

Here I do not live below, above, or for you.

Here I just live. Here, I am. 

It is a state of mind that floats to exist.

It does not have legs like we do.

It cannot stand, like we can.

It just floats, like air.

And so it moves

Through

Long winding tunnels in streaks, lines in my mind.

And so it feels like an exploding, expanding, exhausting

Cinematic journey of churning organic images forming a kaleidoscope

Of splifferaging colours splatterin’!

Only I can see this now.

Not you, nor them.

It is but for me, only for me.

I am supposed to. I choose to.

I will. I shall. I should.

And to see this,

I need to be here with myself.

Here with me. I need to be me, so much so as I can.

I choose to. And here I feel my nerves to the thick of my thumping, oozing heart.

I am special because I can. You can’t, nor them. Not like this.

So I am about to sink in myself for some time now.

Without having to think about you, or them.

I wish this to be my time now. Not yours, nor theirs.

Do not think I want it from you, or them. This time is not yours, nor theirs.

Here I need to be me now.

Here I am mine. And you,

Have to let me go.

For some little time more,

You have to let me go.

And wander.

For a while,

So I could think of a smile.

Even when you are not there.

You toh ratri titli chameli

Ami toh mantra jhere porini

Hobe ki naki montro safal?

Goli te kokhon jombe re jol?

Shokal bikel khabar khawai

Chop chopey roshey pachha dobai

Chat shey pachha

Roshey bhora swadhey

Keno kharap shonai? Mone boro badhe?

Dhur chhai koi,

Dhur chhai koi

Dhur chhai koi hete chole jai

Choltey choltey,

Koto path hete,

Beche thekeo jeno more more jai.

Etu tuk gaan likhlam, kaan shunli naki bol?

Elo ki alo, mon juralo? Shure badha ujjol,

Toree kalir kajol.

Jete hobe amaye hariye ekhon

Ei pawa haranor chhol je kokhon

Shuru holo taha bol?

Dekhe rakh ey'chhol shuru shobey

Bole rakhlam, rakh re shikhe

Mantra mugdho hoye thakbi shukhe

Dekha hobe, dekha hobe,

Chholey chholey pher dekha hobe

Ei holo bole… ekhoni hobe… abar hobe…

Its midnight, and the evening has just started

I

It is midnight, and the evening has just started.

I am standing on the porch of Marcela’s house,

And looking out her window to a polished placa

Of shiny stone tiles Catalunyan.

The placa is bordered on one side

With a line of dark green trees,

Dancing in a cool autumn breeze.

And on three other sides stand adorned faces

Of pretty iron balconies and windows like mine.

It is midnight, and people walking on the side street

Look like they’ve just turned twenty,

Playing and wiggling and swiggling.

I witness this play live today.

And smile.

It started with hum of a song today, a song in my heart

When I went to meet those lovers of paradise in hay

Hands in hand, then kisses on the cheek

Beer dos grandes and three puffs of weed

Then we merry merrily walked around

Through stoned streets of El Born…

Snuffing a royal hookah Kashmiri,

Outside a shop sits this old bent lady.

Tonight, she’s reading fairy tales for free!

The more I drift apart,

The more I come back

To being myself.

So pray we may rise, and again fall.

So we may must see it all!

II

A small ball bounced round a small tree in the placa.

And there comes a cute little doggy

Bouncing more than the ball,

So much with life trying to fetch it.

Then I see a man, a very young man,

In the prime and peak of his generative years,

Swinging and posing quickly

For the next football pass to his doggy.

Doggy has a small stature, short legs

With a long flowy fur body, and dangling flappy ears.

He jumps around for the ball,

And his long and black silk swirls

With sudden gusts of the whispering breeze

Showing shades of snow white underneath.

He looks so beautiful,

So lively, so joyful, I could die.

He embodies all bloom

So fresh, so wild,

Mori ami more jai.

He has a white streak,

Through the middle of his forehead.

And he looks so more handsome with that!

His tail looks like a tight oblong ball

Of strewn wool, vibrating vigorously

When he waits impatiently for the long pass.

It looks funny. But being funny has its own joy.

So much so as being joyful has its own fun.

It is past midnight, and I witness. Smiling.

III

A woman appears then after.

She has short n black curly hair.

And I can say,

That she has spent almost all

Heavy years of her life, already.

Now she’s turned alive again,

The most she has ever been!

Her supple skin shining

In halogen white

From such a distance,

Refreshes me to my fingertips.

She exchanges a sweet glance

Dipped in a smile with the man,

Who has the ball tightly placed

Under his sneakered right foot.

Few words I hear them say,

So I know they are neighbors.

And then Doggy starts a wiggle-tail

So vehemently, feet jumping in the air

To greet this lady as excitingly as he could.

So the man and the woman played with Doggy,

Eyeing him, talking to him, teasing him with the ball.

Dekhi ami dekhe jai

Hathrey shatrey dube jai

Now slo-w-ly lost in me I be-come

In a rich velvet prussian sky

And I see, my eyes dripping in love, just being witness

To this heart melting moment in time!

So sublime! 

IV

Marcela asks,

Rito, are you here?

I wake, gather myself and turn.

And I see her grin,

In a way no one else

Must have never noticed.

In her grin she is, and you can never see.

You have to see her through her.

It is not something you will see

When you look at her,

Or talk to her,

Or make love to her.

You see it only when you look closer,

A lot closer; it comes from where she breathes.

Marcela, I want to breathe you,

When you breathe a li’l closer.

Marcela, I want to become you

As you become my mother.

As a quiet baby in her womb,

I try to match her grin in a way

And say, I’m just having fun!

The truth is,

At this very moment,

This very present moment,

I am feeling pure golden jovial joy.

I feel I am alive.

I feel I am living.

I feel I am life.

An Ode to Pain...

I'd like to fall into you. I am in sickening need of you my love. This growing hunger of screeches and screams, of shrills and shrieks, it's maddening me! It is consuming me like wet clouds engulfing the dusky sky. Come back once again my rainbow! Come my chaos of frenzied stars, my crescent constellation! I'd like to make love with you. You've held me in your arms when the grounds of earth were burning. You gave me your scorn of which I gained my strength. You were my God that meant no mercy, you led me to my senses. I was one then, I am some more now. Because of you sweet love - my beauty, my pain... I am in need of you again.

I am talking to my pain now, not you. Pain is alluring me again to the mysterious depths of longing. She was there with me when no one was. She is in motion now, moving in slow swirls preparing for a dance again. I can see her. Her eyes with a sparkle of her glisten, moistens with salt when she looks at me. She is calling me with her arms wide open, her heart pounding to the drums. I can hear them. Hear them beat the drums in rhythm, as if harking all those angels with naked wings and red robes invisible, to dance with her. I can see them coming now. Red they wear, you can't see? You're not meant to. She is mine, only and only mine.

Chai je tomaye

I

Dekha hobe, dekha hobe
Taar sathe mor dekha hobe
Phiriye dite shey parbena

Rinijhini rinijhini,
Borsha bheja gaale thoth chepe tumi,
Heshechile, ar hashbe na?

Aj dirgho bashona shei
Eshe misheche ekaki hoyei
Pher bhul kore jeno phelona

Dakchi ami raat rajani, o rajani
Jeno chaad nishithe aro ramoni
Bolo meghe dheke ar thakbe na

Ami jani ami jani
Jotoi byatha dhore rakho tumi
Muchhe dite more parbena

Ogo tani, amar tani
Amar buker tukro khani
Jeno tumi, ey praan tore harabe na

II

Aj mileche misheche agni hawaye
Tore dekhar tarona amaye kadaye
Dekhbo tore chai dekhtey
Chinbo tore abar kore
Korish mana korbi ki ar?
Jani thakbi boshe nodir o paar
Tai jhap dilem aj nodir buke
Hathre sathre chokhe rekhe toke
Chaichi bodh hoye, tohar ek paloker bondhuta
Rosheboshe bhora nomro-bihara, tushto deher ardrota...
Dekho amare ekbar cheye mon juriye
Ami tomari aru bhinno nohe, hush chariye
Jhaapte dhore premer bhasha tomari kache shikhechi
Buke dhore niye bhalobasha prothom tomari buke rekhechi
Snigdho chetoney nogno bodoney chondoney chhobi ekechi
Bakey bakey koto moner phake shecchaye sriti bunechi
Bhultey kobhu parbiney tui, jotoi bhuli na ami
Tore kole kore niye aalingon kemon shukher jani

III

Shei mon matano koishor prem, aaj o shopne dhore
Dukkho kichu rakhini mone, tao je mone pore
Shey shob katha thakre ekhon
Aj duruduru mon jokhon tokhon
Lafiye othey pagla hawaye
Tapto chetan choncholotae
Shoyone shoyone bilokkhone nash holo koto shomoy
Unmadonaye aj mon taronaye, dekh domka hawa boye
Hawaye bhashe jonakir paal, akasher tara shudhaye
Hobe ki naki milon aji? Koi geli tora kothaye...?
Baare baare tai bolchi tomaye
Tej toroni aj tibro taronaye
Trishna toruni ar tej dhore nai
Bolei pheli, adbhut shundor dekhte tomaye!
Tomar phutphute hashi amar hridoy juraye
Ami boli shono ogo, kemon shonaye?
Dekhle tomaye, boltei hoye
Abar kore chai je tomaye!

The Magic Dice

Scene 1: Three friends sitting around a garden table are playing a game of dice.

Scene 2: One of the friends look perturbed as she exclaims, “How come we are not winning any rounds today and you are taking all the hands Wasim? What’s your secret?”

Scene 3: Wasim smiles, looks at her and says, “It’s all in your mind. What you believe is what you manifest. There’s no other secret to it Ely.”

Scene 4: Yousuf, the third friend looks at Wasim with a cunning smile, then looks at Ely and says, “Let’s play the next round and see. Place your bets.”

Scene 5: He puts a fifty on the table and says, “This is my last 50. On 5.”

Scene 6: Ely puts a ten on the table and says, “This is all I have. On 2.”

Scene 7: “A hundred from me on 6”, Wasim says putting in the 100 and rolls the dice.

Scene 8: The dice rolls on to the table and stops. [cut to] Wasim exclaims “Yesss!” in the background and starts gathering all the money with both hands. [cut to][Camera close-up on the dice] It’s a blank dice. There are no numbers on the dice on any side. [fade out]

Scene 9: [Black screen] Wasim’s voice whispers softly, “My friend, the game is in your mind.”

 

Fight me

Fight my might, fight my sight,
Fight me, fight me, fight me right.
Promise me love,
You will put an end to this fright.

Is silly you say,
You play no games,
You say no names!
Yet, you nor me is breathing, who?
See one among us is freezing too!
I love this scent of mighty chaos!
Love your dreams, love your kind,
Your full and silky satin behind…

Love your black as you hide in hind,
I love you my angry mind!

Ami ashbo...

Jotoi gobhirey dubi na keno,
toliye kokhono jabo na...
Ami ashbo, phire phire, baare baare
ami ashbo, tomari mone...

Ami eka nai

Aakash kusum nachere ajike
Hridoyer koto khela...
Nachite nachite ghurni hawa ey
Kete jaye koto bela...

Shopno mor shopno thakibe
Chokhe nai kono jol
Hashite hashite kete jabe khhon
Ar ki chawar bol?

Dui jone mora eki buke tthai
Shitey shorote sathe thaki tai
Pagol hawa ey matiye berai
Bajna bajiye shur diye gaai

Ami boli tai
Chol hath dhore gaai
Morey nachai kadai
Taader hashai...

Eki katha bole haaki shodai...
Ami eka nai, ami eka nai, ami eka nai...

Metamorphosis

Today is a day of transformation, a moment of metamorphosis. When she kissed me before stepping out of the door, I asked her, or rather uttered out an overwhelming desire, my wish, and I said, "Now its time for me to find out the difference between surrender and dependence."

She smiled, like the way she always does - it makes me free, liberated, like there's nothing more to worry about. And she said, "When you will be able to surrender, the word dependence will have no meaning at all."

She kissed my lips one more time, and then she left. It took me one whole day to realize what came out of her mouth. This moment I have surrendered. I feel it. I know it has begun. I know why we have not fallen apart till now. She was sent for me, I knew it but I could not surrender. She came to me so that I could surrender, to her.

"However talented a person you might be, you will never be able to reach your true potential if you do not surrender yourself completely, to your guru."

I used to tell everyone about it. I felt the truth in these words. I could smell the essence of it, but could never taste it myself. I was not ready. This 'I' had been just a made up mask, to put up for all those who wanted to see, or for all those whom I wanted to show. I knew it doesn't make any difference to me, whether they saw or not, who saw and who didn't, I knew. But 'I' was just this false ego, not real, a mirage. Maybe it still is. But today, I have gathered enough courage to face this mirage, this blasphemy on my existence, and write it down, so that I can read it again and again and again, till the day I can. Today I do feel what I am - nothing.

She is my guru. I accept it, and hereby I have surrendered unto her. And with a smile I say, it is not the final step but surely the first!

She saw a dream. It was very very vivid, that's what she said. At first she said she didn't know what to make out of it. But moments later, she said she knew exactly what it meant, which shall remain a secret buried deep inside her heart.

Ranjini, Sayantani and Kamalini - they were three sisters. Sayantani was her friend in school, and she used to love the courtyard in their house. She sees herself standing there, and a little girl is playing in front. She walks to her and asks her name. The little girl says, "My name is Ritopriyo". She is still in her own world playing with herself, and she looks like the little girl in the Persian film "Mirror".

Krishnakali, although having reasons enough to be startled and surprised, doesn't seem perturbed at all. There's a staircase going up from the courtyard which she starts climbing. She sees me coming down, and she tells me about the little girl downstairs whose name is Ritopriyo. I don't look surprised either. I come down the stairs looking for her. When I meet her, she is reluctant to talk to me or even face me. She asks, "Who are you?"

She is smart, she is intelligent. And I start asking her a few questions. She shoots back instantly, answers all my questions with another question that makes me ponder. She is at ease, though I know that she doesn't like me much. And then,

"Make love with your mother", she whispers.

I hope he understands, yes he does. I am the little girl, not him.

I am preparing to sleep now. A strange gust of wind enters my windows and takes off the ox clock. It takes off my right hand, the basket on my head, and a horn from the ox head.

It is enough for me to understand that the time has come. She has come, it is time for me to make love with my mother. I surrender me unto you....

Icche

Kokhono kokhono icche hoy boro swarthopor hotey
Kokhono ba icche hoy doriya ey dil boiye ditey

Kokhono kokhono icche hoy premiker prem hotey
Kokhono ba icche hoy ek brihot shudhu shunyo hotey

Kokhono kokhono icche hoy dhonno dhyane byom hotey
Kokhono ba icche hoy pagol nritye motto hotey

Ar kokhono, matro ek prokanda brikkho kando hotey

Koto koto icche kokhon kokhon
Jhilik mare jokhon tokhon
Ar ami dubi oi sagorer dheu er moton
Achhar kheye bichar peye
Mucche dite icche kore
Amar naam...
Jate keu na amaye chinte pare

Khhoma

Ekbar bol nei, keu nei tor
Ekbar bol shei, shei hoy tor
Ayna tor aj nei, nei aj tor
Ache porey jhhuro kaache mukh chapa,
Ar buk phata khhoma...
Tobe khhoma keno chahibo ami?
Khhoma chaye oi paaper kami
Chahibo ki janish ami?
Tore kole kore dhore,
Geet gaitey jibon bhore
Shudhu gaan noy, jibon, jatra koto ki...
Tobe jobe hashi phute maan ey mor, jani
Hobo paar nodi, tori tor, mani tai aaj e
Mor roktey likhlam ami, tor naam.

It does not finish

Dong! says the clock
Love no more now...
Tis' my misery
That drowns me to tears...
Blue tears messed with black ink,
Swirling lines of no symmetry
Keep whirling in random frenzy.
Random, is it? Or is it not?

Today we celebrate!
That's how dawn began.
Red oozed out of every pore
Of our tender skin...
Soft, supple, serene...
That's how I had felt, not now
Then, when my eyes woke to new rays
Of a new year, our third...

Turned down! I am.
Disgusted
Ephemeral bitterness.
That look daunts me,
Says, 'I don't care, or whatever'
I scream. And thorns, they creep
Inside my neck, my throat
Helpless I am, I cry

I speak, my voice is broken
Broken words, broken dreams
Broken...
Broken broken broken.
I am, for what?
For her not looking,
Searching, stealing, or whatever
From my eyes tonight.

Ma! whispers a voice from far.
Says 'say', urges me, she pushes me
A teardrop makes a heart too heavy
She chuckles with the few words
To love her only and only son.
She is timid at best, I 'prehend.
For the foxes that howl, and growl
Make her tremble tonight.

This day I am blue.
The blue pot
Is on hold still...
It does not finish.

Rehai

Opodartho tumi!
Ey morichika samajer ghuranto chakre
Hariye phelecho tumi tomar nijeke,
Hariye phelecho jibon, ek nishphol abegey
Bhulecho tumi jibito!
Ei paaper prayoschitto hobe tomar amari haate
Pashan bhora shudhu eet ar pathore,
Rehai pabe na tumi amar sathe
Nah, rehai tomaye dilam na!

Kalir Khhob

Murkho tui ma, murkho tui
Protidin dhup, joba, ar chandan ey
Bondona koriya pujli jaharey
Aj shey chokkhur shamne ele abotarey
Dakliney tobu tui ghore taharey?
Je biswas ache tor chhata chhobir upore
Shey biswas nai tohar atmar upore?