The red spot

There is a thing in the red spot. Something unnatural. Yet the most natural. It allures you, it calls you. It welcomes you, it embraces you. It hugs you, it kisses you and sucks you within – a pure attraction, like a magnetic force. Anywhere around you would like to see, you would want to see, you are struggling, you are searching to see a red spot, even if invisible. You are frantic for it, even if unconsciously. And when you find it, you feel it. It’s something close to an orgasm if you let yourself go. Completely. Ruthlessly. You are not yours then. You are complete and one with the happening. Every breath, every inch, and every drop of your being has dissolved with the red spot. Only if you let yourself drown, or take the leap, or go with the flow. If you can be the flow. Completely. Then, you are. The red spot.

You are always searching for it. Knowingly or unknowingly. You feel satisfied, content, experience peace and enjoy silence when you happen to pass by. The red spot. Only when you are in your human senses, you are capable of seeing. This red little spot.

It is nothing but the burning dot in the rapture of a bright yellow sky.

It is but the glistening spot in the cover of a dark blue night.

It is nothing but the veins of a leaf in a tree.

And the point in a pen when it goes on a spree.

It is the burning part of a smoking spliff,

And the tear in the eye of a girl so miffed.

Join me, join me, join me tonight

Oh come you sinners and please my sight

Let us sing, let us dance,

Let us freely take our chance.

So what will happen tomorrow if we think.

Joy and merry with a coffee we’ll drink.

Keep counting, keep hounding,

Wherever you stay.

I will listen or I won’t

It’s me who’ll say

How much I’ll make, and

How many I’ll break.

Tear them, their rotting rugs apart!

I want to see, I want to see

Flowers and smiles and,

Content and glee.

In despair if they be,

Tell them to talk to Him inside.

Who is Him, I will never hide.

Ask me if you want to know.

I’ve sung this song from long ago.

He is the one who’s a part of you

And a part of me, in this naive little tree.

In this stone, in this seed

In the smallest spark of fire so free.

When you are in silence so deep,

When you have gone through

A path of desire so steep,

When you have engulfed yourself,

In complete, then

You can hear Him.

But not what he says.

What he feels.

Not what he feels.

What he is.

There is something,

In the red spot. A glory.

The bindi on your forehead you wear.

It looks so beautiful.

The chandan spots very neatly

Drawn in perfect symmetry.

It looks so beautiful. Exotic.

I would love to see you like this.

But maybe not.

Why not? Maybe yes.

But not me. Only you.

You know,

There is something,

In the red spot.

Like a window,

A breath of air.

No, something more human.

Something manmade - a glory!

A tunnel of transience.

A pathway of awareness.

I am.

The feeling of existing.

Comes. When we see.

The red spot.

In anything.

It does not have to be red.

But it has to, it has to be read.

You have to see it.

In anything.

In any being.

In the top of a lollipop

Between the slippery lips

Of a girl in teens,

Trotting on heels so high

The horse could sigh.

Do you see?

Do you see the red spot?

When the wind cries,

It is in the cry.

When the ashes fly,

Look for it, where is it?

See it flies, do you see?

Do you feel?

The red spot?

When a man falls

From his saddle brawls

The moment of fall,

Or the fall itself, or

The violent leap?

What is it? Where is it?

Can you see the red spot?

It is difficult to see.

For me.

It is.

Yes.

Say that.

Say it loud.

Louder. Louder again.

It is difficult to see.

For me. It is.

Relief,

Comes with acceptance

Of your guilt, of your glory,

Of your thanks, and your sorry.

It comes with being yourself.

So accept. You should.

You have to see somehow,

Your red little spot.

Accept,

But do not tolerate.

Shoo them away if they forget.

Help them in need,

Teach them to breed.

You have to.

You’re meant to.

That is your red spot.

The path,

Is a winding way

Into the center,

The center of being.

It is not easy,

Nor is it short.

Each breath is made here

In heaven’s distraught.

There is no heaven,

If you don’t breathe.

There is no sky if you’re not freed.

You have to live this life

You have been given.

Living ain’t living, when

This red little spot becomes a fact of life.

This red little spot ain’t a fact of life,

This red little spot is itself the life.

We fools forget.

We want to see a million things,

Act like pigeons with hundred wings.

What about seeing one single thing?

With passion and patience,

For as long as we’ve been here

With us unseen.

What is this mania? What is this noise?

Why is this impatience without a voice?

It does not matter how many we look,

But it does matter how keenly we do.

How deeply we feel the one in me.

How closely we see the one to be.

You may eat, or you may hog

Who does care for a hungry dog?

Or you may choose to be a man,

Have much less for much more time.

Then you shall truly enjoy the chore, and

Relish the mundane much many more.

In a big bash party,

People sing and stomp the floor.

You and I get drunk at the door.

There is merry in what we do,

But not so merry if we do much too.

The merry lies in cherishing,

Never so much, not much in doing.

This merry may be a forgotten story

Under sheets and layers of a dusty memory.

But the red spot when you feel in it,

It comes like breeze from the ocean,

On a sultry day sipping coconut potion.

You live this moment, you cherish its flavor.

And this very moment becomes forever.

Look for the spot,

The red little spot.

It is there. Always it is.

When mother asks,

“What have you eaten?”

Look for the spot,

Like your mother does.

We fools forget.

We forget to see,

Where we’ve come from,

And where we will be.

This dream is real!

An old abandoned warehouse is home to a few artists like me, and my sir. Sir looks like Pankaj Kapoor. He comes to me and asks for a hand to bring down one of his paintings which he wants to present to the rest. I readily agree. The hour is dusk and faint rays of the setting sun glows dimly through the rusty glass windows of the high ceiling studio. It is shady, blue, rusty and smells of clay. Hay in every corner you can see them scattered all over. It’s almost a miniature style painting on canvas with some figures standing and forming a dome or a pyramid. And the painting looks so blue. Dark Prussian blue.

I pick up the painting and look up to follow him. By then he is gone. Downstairs. I look at him from his studio set like a tree house and me perched up looking like a little bird waiting for mother to bring some food. When I come hurriedly down the stairs trying to follow him, I almost trip and the painting falls from my hand. I manage to catch it somehow, saving it. He stands at a distance watching the whole drama, and silently smiles. I come down carefully and run briskly to catch up with his fast pace. A couple, foreigners I think, didn’t notice so keenly, pass me by giggling, the boy holding a spliff between his fingers, and the girl merrily following him, giggling. They are going upstairs to the terrace to have a happy time I presume.

I am still running briskly trying to keep up with sir. There are a few ladies in vision now – in a smoky ante-chamber they play around as geishas to men like us. They have no relationship with anybody living there. They swing and they giggle, they swoon and they wiggle through arms of men seeking pleasurable moments in their mundane time. Them, girls have come just to entertain us, give us all the pleasures in the world we fantasize. Sir takes a turn round a corner and is clouded by waves of girls like them in seconds. He talks to them and plays with them, with a copper smile on his face for what it seemed like hours. And I slowly feel myself drowning in a mellow poison intoxicating my senses to the brim. I am moving, swinging, I am floating with the wind that touches the surface of my water creating ripples that shine and shimmer like fiery dust of gold on a lucid pond of cold numbing calm.

While running behind him I had been constantly telling sir how much I adore him and respect him, and how lucky I am to be living and working in the same place with him. But none of these words seemed to bother him at all. He wasn’t interested to listen to what I had to say. He was just occasionally turning his head towards me from the front while walking, and sometimes smiled silently.

When covered in the ocean of entertaining girls I remember myself laughing, talking, enjoying myself. I am dozed - intoxicated, inebriated, drowned in the pleasures on offering. There are three girls on me, with me swinging by, in an impromptu to and fro motion. I look carefully, and one of them is Rekha. She swirls to stop me, holds me tight by my hand, she shakes and she jerks me off from sleep, she tries. She looks so beautiful with the red bindi on her forehead. She comes closer now, leans over and whispers in my ear the most important words of my life.

Lonely nights

Lonely lonely are my nights

As I think yours are too…

Dream of you fills my sight

I can’t think, but think of you

My little body wants you near

Breathe your skin, smell your hair

Lift you up to heaven’s air

And wrap you in cozy cushion flair

Come my princess come to me

Open your arms so we can be

Lovers in a bohemian world

A world beyond this stupid copper and gold

I don’t know what you may

Think of me luring you

But I’m in love, my love it’s true

So will you open your door tonight,

For me to come and be your side

‘Tis the wish of God I say

Let us lose our fears today

In this while let’s be free

Let’s make a night for you and me.

Song of our soul

If I sing of a love or two

Hold my hands and say it’s true

Keep your worries so you may never find

Like a long forlorn battle behind

They need your love, your touch, your kind

Them forgotten stories of children blind

Smell some air and breathe it back

So all may live and free their sack

Hear oh hear, hear them angels hark

Like a dwindling star in the blue blue dark

Tell her stories to the world she loves

So they may sing like joyful doves

Spread their wings so dazzling white

Your gaze a haze losing all might

Don’t you fear, do you hear?

I am with you, holding you near

Don’t you fall, hear my call

I am with you, I am your soul.

A soul of a soulful kind

Fears no soul of another kind

It stays and stays

Through lives of you and me

Takes us to a special place

Where I see you like you see me.

Tears of Emmanouela

Wary wary oh my Mary!

What do you fear?

What’s your worry?

Free your wings and fly so near

Whisper softly in my ear

Cry to me so I can hear…

Smile oh princess,

Smile this day…

Your smile enchants me

If I may say…

‘Tis something that is here for now

No one knows when I took this vow

Of loving the way I see you,

And loathing this mask that buries you…

Take this mask off for me

Then my love you will see

You and me, we can be

In joy, joy, joy and glee!

I’m in Troy!

Moments in a moment

Spent in a lifetime

Glow of the halo

Maketh sublime

Hear them sing

Their voices so soft

Your sense in a stroll

In a beach like roll

You love me or you don’t

Don’t you ever fail me

Even when I’m alone

The star will keep shining

From a very distant far

I don’t care how it does

I don’t care how it loves

Me and the sky in full

Full of flowers

Smelling real

In the garden of my joy, I feel

You should come

To my land of Troy!

She lingers…

Her smile, a smile

Can light up my world…

Like a gift from the moon

Wrapped in gold…

Like a dove in white

Her flight so light

She lingers with me still

In my sight!

Bohnishikha

Purte purte holam je aaj
Krishnor cheyo kaalo
Jotoi kotheen jwala amar
Ei bohnishikhai amar aalo...
Bohnishikha shey toh aapon
Jigai shey ki korbe gopon?
Taar sathe aaj houk alapon...

I am in Amsterdam

I am in Amsterdam. Its new year’s eve, I’m walking and everything around is glimmering. Sin city it is, not for no reason. Sinners are made out of you and me, over here. Every face floating around is happy intoxicated with the smells and juices of life, smiling or looking for a reason to smile. A man with a tattered coat, with a face so sullen comes to me and asks, “Can you give me 20 cents?” I am quite startled and taken aback with the contrast of this man in an atmosphere of such celebration. I ask him, “No one in this whole city is giving you 20 cents?” He shakes his head with tears so visible yet invisible to the world around. I ask him again, “No one is giving you 20 cents???” Now he speaks, says no. But you almost could not hear. I dig out my pockets and find a 50 cent coin. I give, still looking into his eyes. Then, I cry. Silence.

Dip in a lake

I am drowning... drowning again
Its freezing tonight
Still i take
A dip in a freezing lake

A lake in moonlight
Has beauty in full
Crystal surface
Shining white with
Silver sparks of
A mighty fight

Invisible creautures
I see who swim beneath
Lure me they allure me
They snarl
In dark
In prussian blue
And goblin red
In colours they swirl
In forms they whirl
Slimy monsters
With lashing tails
Wiggle inside
In between
My toes

Tonight i'm broken
Broken again
There's nothing for you to peek
Not tonight...

Shey dana meleche

Bheshe bheshe urey eshe,
Shey boshlo...
Aapon shure shey
Gaan badhlo koto,

Kathaye kathaye
Katha shonalo shoto,
Aapon mone
Boro holo shey...

Aaj dekhi taharey, shey dana meleche
Taar tuktukey bodoney phul phuteche
Majhe majhe shaada, majhe majhe laal
Majhe majhe shaada-laal shokal bikal...

Shudhu jaante ekhon icche kore
Shey kon babui er bashaaye dhorey?
Kon hawate gaan badhe shey?
Kon shurey tar aakash bhashey?
Kon maati tar nijer aapon?
Kon pahaarey choncholo mon
Jacche ekhon, jokhon tokhon!
Lukaye lukaye din kete jaye
Rukkho mone morubhumi praye
Tobey ei aakasheo tara ra hashe
Chandro ma shey thake aakashe
Tobu chhuitey keno pariney ami
Torey aalingoney jhaaptey dhore
Nijer bukey joriye dhore?

Bol taholey khule amarey
Ki haraley joyi shokoley?
Kon phuley ami shanto hobo?
Kon rongetey mukti pabo?

If I can see...

If I can see, then I can see...
The white bright light over the blue black sea
Beyond the horizon of horizons, and even more
Beauty beholds this space and void just before
Where silver dolphins swim, and purple eagles fly
Taanchey maati, bangla amar
Ei kabyo lekha shesh holo na tai...

A Walk in Barcelona

Wilderness in pain

Paints all that stain

Squeezes me, it squishes me

It makes me insane!

I sigh, and I cry,

I trip, then I try

To paint, till I die…

There’s a voice inside

That echoes so deep,

You almost cannot hear

You have limits to keep.

Keep the limits aside

For once, and see

How beautiful can be

A fine walk in Barcelona!

Forever, never unseen

Despite gathering clouds in your mind

You shall hold your crown still

Made of feathers so light

And jewels to reveal

Think of Shiv, if you may

Think of you, if I say

With a silent joy in your heart

And a lucid calm in your eyes

May you rule your world in bliss

With a hissing serpent in disguise

May blessings rain from above the sky

And paint your being in green

I am with you my friend

Forever, never unseen.

Fake time

I do not know how this happened. But I think it needs to be written down. For the first time in my conscious life, time on my wrist has travelled faster than real time. The alarm sounded at seven in the morning I presume, I didn’t see. And I doze off for a little while more. When I open my eyes again, I see its half past nine already, on my watch! I skid off the bed in a spring like a rocket from the sun, put on my underwear, jeans and jacket, and I’m ready for school in less than a minute – no potty, no cigarette, no tea, and no cornflakes, nothing today. Its insane how time flies, my mind is running, while I put the frozen lamb chops in water. From behind Eva says “Good morning!” I am startled, surprised and I reply “Morning!” somehow. I can’t see her yet. So I ask, “So late today?” No reply for a few seconds. And then she appears in front of me, in the kitchen, with a blank innocent beauty. I see her saint glimpse and travel to somewhere holier. Her green eyes lined with faint lines of eye liner looks so truly stunning. And her white face is glowing translucent like an angel sent from heaven. I could melt in her arms right now. Still she is still, with her pristine blank face with that look on her face, her eyes – I wish I could freeze the moment. But then she is waiting for me to say something I understood. I asked again, “You’re going late today?” I still do not know why I asked this question, I shouldn’t have. Her gaze blurred, and she disappeared.

“No! What time is it? Half past eight, isn’t it?”

I feel the sky fall on me. I bring myself closer to her and show her my watch – half past nine it was. She almost held my hand, no she didn’t, I wish she had, and took me to her room. She grabbed her phone and showed me the real time. What? How? Why? Questions, questions, and more questions start boggling my mind for the rest of the day.

Ektai bhoy

Ektai bhoy,
Kauke shukhe dekhar chholey
Kokkhono jeno kere nite na hoy
Tomar mukher hashi...
Hoyto shey din
Pari bhuley jete
Ami tomaye o bhalobashi...

Jarei ami khushi kori,
Jaharei ami hashate pari,
Jar chokh theke jol muchhte pari
Ami taharei bhalobashi...
Asha kori,
Jaha onubhob korchi mora
Prem diye jeno kori...
Jaha ei khhoney dekhchi mora
Prem bhora chokhe dekhi
Jaha ei khhoney shikchi mora
Premer sathe shikhi
Dekhchen tini
Mon diye shey
Shudhai tini...
Katbey kobe?
Toder ei glani?
Kobe hobi mukto tora?
Kobe hobi shokto tora?
Kobe tora shob chere chhure
Nachbi gaibi, hashbi hashabi,
Likbhi toder...

Alapon kahini?

See, believe, and wish

See, as I observe

Believe, when I do

And wish, till I wait…

Following my sun

I follow the sun,
And perhaps,
Sun follows another sun!
We us and all,
Are but clay in a doll.
We rise, and we fall,
On a brick wall we crawl.
Yet we move on.
We smile, and we cry,
We go on...

Searching our own sun.

And today I wish,
I may live to love...

Following my sun…!

Chhutir Chhuti

Chhuti bollei chhuti hoy na!
Ruti jutlei bacha jayena!
Aaro koto ki korar ache,
Aaro koto ki bolar ache…
Amar tomar mon joralo,
Aar oder moner katha phuralo?
Eto shohojey?
Shomoy ektu ditey hobe…
Taader sathe boshtey hobe,
Taader kichu boltey hobe...
Uthtey hobe, urtey hobe,
Urtey urtey chhut tey hobe...
Hunkar diye koitey hobe,
Aar chhuti noy, ar chhuti noy, ar chhuti noy!

World of wonders

Shhh.. I am silently entering into a world of wonders…

Wonders of touch, smell and colours…

Juices contained in translucent skins,

About to break

Into squeeze of a sugary drop,

Hanging onto the tip of a leaf

Precariously, making love…

For some more time,

A while more,

As long as it can

Last, long, belong

To the tip of its beloved leaf…

Shhh! Make way for the drop,

Make way for the sounds of silence now…

Mediterranean drops

Sprinkle salt and lime,

To the pink of her prawns

And shine of her dimes.

Here oranges do seed

With so much greed,

And blue bright indigos

They broodingly breed.

Here, trees have shades

Of purple and white,

And green you will see

Is raging bright.

Here, plums please peaches

And apples please pink

Cranberries ooze a punch

Rouged raspberries wink,

Even when you dream, If you may

Touch, blink, and feel this wonder a maze!

Here, I am mine

I am silently entering into an alternate sphere of existence.

Here I do not live below, above, or for you.

Here I just live. Here, I am. 

It is a state of mind that floats to exist.

It does not have legs like we do.

It cannot stand, like we can.

It just floats, like air.

And so it moves

Through

Long winding tunnels in streaks, lines in my mind.

And so it feels like an exploding, expanding, exhausting

Cinematic journey of churning organic images forming a kaleidoscope

Of splifferaging colours splatterin’!

Only I can see this now.

Not you, nor them.

It is but for me, only for me.

I am supposed to. I choose to.

I will. I shall. I should.

And to see this,

I need to be here with myself.

Here with me. I need to be me, so much so as I can.

I choose to. And here I feel my nerves to the thick of my thumping, oozing heart.

I am special because I can. You can’t, nor them. Not like this.

So I am about to sink in myself for some time now.

Without having to think about you, or them.

I wish this to be my time now. Not yours, nor theirs.

Do not think I want it from you, or them. This time is not yours, nor theirs.

Here I need to be me now.

Here I am mine. And you,

Have to let me go.

For some little time more,

You have to let me go.

And wander.

For a while,

So I could think of a smile.

Even when you are not there.

You toh ratri titli chameli

Ami toh mantra jhere porini

Hobe ki naki montro safal?

Goli te kokhon jombe re jol?

Shokal bikel khabar khawai

Chop chopey roshey pachha dobai

Chat shey pachha

Roshey bhora swadhey

Keno kharap shonai? Mone boro badhe?

Dhur chhai koi,

Dhur chhai koi

Dhur chhai koi hete chole jai

Choltey choltey,

Koto path hete,

Beche thekeo jeno more more jai.

Etu tuk gaan likhlam, kaan shunli naki bol?

Elo ki alo, mon juralo? Shure badha ujjol,

Toree kalir kajol.

Jete hobe amaye hariye ekhon

Ei pawa haranor chhol je kokhon

Shuru holo taha bol?

Dekhe rakh ey'chhol shuru shobey

Bole rakhlam, rakh re shikhe

Mantra mugdho hoye thakbi shukhe

Dekha hobe, dekha hobe,

Chholey chholey pher dekha hobe

Ei holo bole… ekhoni hobe… abar hobe…

Its midnight, and the evening has just started

I

It is midnight, and the evening has just started.

I am standing on the porch of Marcela’s house,

And looking out her window to a polished placa

Of shiny stone tiles Catalunyan.

The placa is bordered on one side

With a line of dark green trees,

Dancing in a cool autumn breeze.

And on three other sides stand adorned faces

Of pretty iron balconies and windows like mine.

It is midnight, and people walking on the side street

Look like they’ve just turned twenty,

Playing and wiggling and swiggling.

I witness this play live today.

And smile.

It started with hum of a song today, a song in my heart

When I went to meet those lovers of paradise in hay

Hands in hand, then kisses on the cheek

Beer dos grandes and three puffs of weed

Then we merry merrily walked around

Through stoned streets of El Born…

Snuffing a royal hookah Kashmiri,

Outside a shop sits this old bent lady.

Tonight, she’s reading fairy tales for free!

The more I drift apart,

The more I come back

To being myself.

So pray we may rise, and again fall.

So we may must see it all!

II

A small ball bounced round a small tree in the placa.

And there comes a cute little doggy

Bouncing more than the ball,

So much with life trying to fetch it.

Then I see a man, a very young man,

In the prime and peak of his generative years,

Swinging and posing quickly

For the next football pass to his doggy.

Doggy has a small stature, short legs

With a long flowy fur body, and dangling flappy ears.

He jumps around for the ball,

And his long and black silk swirls

With sudden gusts of the whispering breeze

Showing shades of snow white underneath.

He looks so beautiful,

So lively, so joyful, I could die.

He embodies all bloom

So fresh, so wild,

Mori ami more jai.

He has a white streak,

Through the middle of his forehead.

And he looks so more handsome with that!

His tail looks like a tight oblong ball

Of strewn wool, vibrating vigorously

When he waits impatiently for the long pass.

It looks funny. But being funny has its own joy.

So much so as being joyful has its own fun.

It is past midnight, and I witness. Smiling.

III

A woman appears then after.

She has short n black curly hair.

And I can say,

That she has spent almost all

Heavy years of her life, already.

Now she’s turned alive again,

The most she has ever been!

Her supple skin shining

In halogen white

From such a distance,

Refreshes me to my fingertips.

She exchanges a sweet glance

Dipped in a smile with the man,

Who has the ball tightly placed

Under his sneakered right foot.

Few words I hear them say,

So I know they are neighbors.

And then Doggy starts a wiggle-tail

So vehemently, feet jumping in the air

To greet this lady as excitingly as he could.

So the man and the woman played with Doggy,

Eyeing him, talking to him, teasing him with the ball.

Dekhi ami dekhe jai

Hathrey shatrey dube jai

Now slo-w-ly lost in me I be-come

In a rich velvet prussian sky

And I see, my eyes dripping in love, just being witness

To this heart melting moment in time!

So sublime! 

IV

Marcela asks,

Rito, are you here?

I wake, gather myself and turn.

And I see her grin,

In a way no one else

Must have never noticed.

In her grin she is, and you can never see.

You have to see her through her.

It is not something you will see

When you look at her,

Or talk to her,

Or make love to her.

You see it only when you look closer,

A lot closer; it comes from where she breathes.

Marcela, I want to breathe you,

When you breathe a li’l closer.

Marcela, I want to become you

As you become my mother.

As a quiet baby in her womb,

I try to match her grin in a way

And say, I’m just having fun!

The truth is,

At this very moment,

This very present moment,

I am feeling pure golden jovial joy.

I feel I am alive.

I feel I am living.

I feel I am life.

An Ode to Pain...

I'd like to fall into you. I am in sickening need of you my love. This growing hunger of screeches and screams, of shrills and shrieks, it's maddening me! It is consuming me like wet clouds engulfing the dusky sky. Come back once again my rainbow! Come my chaos of frenzied stars, my crescent constellation! I'd like to make love with you. You've held me in your arms when the grounds of earth were burning. You gave me your scorn of which I gained my strength. You were my God that meant no mercy, you led me to my senses. I was one then, I am some more now. Because of you sweet love - my beauty, my pain... I am in need of you again.

I am talking to my pain now, not you. Pain is alluring me again to the mysterious depths of longing. She was there with me when no one was. She is in motion now, moving in slow swirls preparing for a dance again. I can see her. Her eyes with a sparkle of her glisten, moistens with salt when she looks at me. She is calling me with her arms wide open, her heart pounding to the drums. I can hear them. Hear them beat the drums in rhythm, as if harking all those angels with naked wings and red robes invisible, to dance with her. I can see them coming now. Red they wear, you can't see? You're not meant to. She is mine, only and only mine.

Chai je tomaye

I

Dekha hobe, dekha hobe
Taar sathe mor dekha hobe
Phiriye dite shey parbena

Rinijhini rinijhini,
Borsha bheja gaale thoth chepe tumi,
Heshechile, ar hashbe na?

Aj dirgho bashona shei
Eshe misheche ekaki hoyei
Pher bhul kore jeno phelona

Dakchi ami raat rajani, o rajani
Jeno chaad nishithe aro ramoni
Bolo meghe dheke ar thakbe na

Ami jani ami jani
Jotoi byatha dhore rakho tumi
Muchhe dite more parbena

Ogo tani, amar tani
Amar buker tukro khani
Jeno tumi, ey praan tore harabe na

II

Aj mileche misheche agni hawaye
Tore dekhar tarona amaye kadaye
Dekhbo tore chai dekhtey
Chinbo tore abar kore
Korish mana korbi ki ar?
Jani thakbi boshe nodir o paar
Tai jhap dilem aj nodir buke
Hathre sathre chokhe rekhe toke
Chaichi bodh hoye, tohar ek paloker bondhuta
Rosheboshe bhora nomro-bihara, tushto deher ardrota...
Dekho amare ekbar cheye mon juriye
Ami tomari aru bhinno nohe, hush chariye
Jhaapte dhore premer bhasha tomari kache shikhechi
Buke dhore niye bhalobasha prothom tomari buke rekhechi
Snigdho chetoney nogno bodoney chondoney chhobi ekechi
Bakey bakey koto moner phake shecchaye sriti bunechi
Bhultey kobhu parbiney tui, jotoi bhuli na ami
Tore kole kore niye aalingon kemon shukher jani

III

Shei mon matano koishor prem, aaj o shopne dhore
Dukkho kichu rakhini mone, tao je mone pore
Shey shob katha thakre ekhon
Aj duruduru mon jokhon tokhon
Lafiye othey pagla hawaye
Tapto chetan choncholotae
Shoyone shoyone bilokkhone nash holo koto shomoy
Unmadonaye aj mon taronaye, dekh domka hawa boye
Hawaye bhashe jonakir paal, akasher tara shudhaye
Hobe ki naki milon aji? Koi geli tora kothaye...?
Baare baare tai bolchi tomaye
Tej toroni aj tibro taronaye
Trishna toruni ar tej dhore nai
Bolei pheli, adbhut shundor dekhte tomaye!
Tomar phutphute hashi amar hridoy juraye
Ami boli shono ogo, kemon shonaye?
Dekhle tomaye, boltei hoye
Abar kore chai je tomaye!

The Magic Dice

Scene 1: Three friends sitting around a garden table are playing a game of dice.

Scene 2: One of the friends look perturbed as she exclaims, “How come we are not winning any rounds today and you are taking all the hands Wasim? What’s your secret?”

Scene 3: Wasim smiles, looks at her and says, “It’s all in your mind. What you believe is what you manifest. There’s no other secret to it Ely.”

Scene 4: Yousuf, the third friend looks at Wasim with a cunning smile, then looks at Ely and says, “Let’s play the next round and see. Place your bets.”

Scene 5: He puts a fifty on the table and says, “This is my last 50. On 5.”

Scene 6: Ely puts a ten on the table and says, “This is all I have. On 2.”

Scene 7: “A hundred from me on 6”, Wasim says putting in the 100 and rolls the dice.

Scene 8: The dice rolls on to the table and stops. [cut to] Wasim exclaims “Yesss!” in the background and starts gathering all the money with both hands. [cut to][Camera close-up on the dice] It’s a blank dice. There are no numbers on the dice on any side. [fade out]

Scene 9: [Black screen] Wasim’s voice whispers softly, “My friend, the game is in your mind.”

 

Fight me

Fight my might, fight my sight,
Fight me, fight me, fight me right.
Promise me love,
You will put an end to this fright.

Is silly you say,
You play no games,
You say no names!
Yet, you nor me is breathing, who?
See one among us is freezing too!
I love this scent of mighty chaos!
Love your dreams, love your kind,
Your full and silky satin behind…

Love your black as you hide in hind,
I love you my angry mind!

Ami ashbo...

Jotoi gobhirey dubi na keno,
toliye kokhono jabo na...
Ami ashbo, phire phire, baare baare
ami ashbo, tomari mone...

Ami eka nai

Aakash kusum nachere ajike
Hridoyer koto khela...
Nachite nachite ghurni hawa ey
Kete jaye koto bela...

Shopno mor shopno thakibe
Chokhe nai kono jol
Hashite hashite kete jabe khhon
Ar ki chawar bol?

Dui jone mora eki buke tthai
Shitey shorote sathe thaki tai
Pagol hawa ey matiye berai
Bajna bajiye shur diye gaai

Ami boli tai
Chol hath dhore gaai
Morey nachai kadai
Taader hashai...

Eki katha bole haaki shodai...
Ami eka nai, ami eka nai, ami eka nai...

Metamorphosis

Today is a day of transformation, a moment of metamorphosis. When she kissed me before stepping out of the door, I asked her, or rather uttered out an overwhelming desire, my wish, and I said, "Now its time for me to find out the difference between surrender and dependence."

She smiled, like the way she always does - it makes me free, liberated, like there's nothing more to worry about. And she said, "When you will be able to surrender, the word dependence will have no meaning at all."

She kissed my lips one more time, and then she left. It took me one whole day to realize what came out of her mouth. This moment I have surrendered. I feel it. I know it has begun. I know why we have not fallen apart till now. She was sent for me, I knew it but I could not surrender. She came to me so that I could surrender, to her.

"However talented a person you might be, you will never be able to reach your true potential if you do not surrender yourself completely, to your guru."

I used to tell everyone about it. I felt the truth in these words. I could smell the essence of it, but could never taste it myself. I was not ready. This 'I' had been just a made up mask, to put up for all those who wanted to see, or for all those whom I wanted to show. I knew it doesn't make any difference to me, whether they saw or not, who saw and who didn't, I knew. But 'I' was just this false ego, not real, a mirage. Maybe it still is. But today, I have gathered enough courage to face this mirage, this blasphemy on my existence, and write it down, so that I can read it again and again and again, till the day I can. Today I do feel what I am - nothing.

She is my guru. I accept it, and hereby I have surrendered unto her. And with a smile I say, it is not the final step but surely the first!

She saw a dream. It was very very vivid, that's what she said. At first she said she didn't know what to make out of it. But moments later, she said she knew exactly what it meant, which shall remain a secret buried deep inside her heart.

Ranjini, Sayantani and Kamalini - they were three sisters. Sayantani was her friend in school, and she used to love the courtyard in their house. She sees herself standing there, and a little girl is playing in front. She walks to her and asks her name. The little girl says, "My name is Ritopriyo". She is still in her own world playing with herself, and she looks like the little girl in the Persian film "Mirror".

Krishnakali, although having reasons enough to be startled and surprised, doesn't seem perturbed at all. There's a staircase going up from the courtyard which she starts climbing. She sees me coming down, and she tells me about the little girl downstairs whose name is Ritopriyo. I don't look surprised either. I come down the stairs looking for her. When I meet her, she is reluctant to talk to me or even face me. She asks, "Who are you?"

She is smart, she is intelligent. And I start asking her a few questions. She shoots back instantly, answers all my questions with another question that makes me ponder. She is at ease, though I know that she doesn't like me much. And then,

"Make love with your mother", she whispers.

I hope he understands, yes he does. I am the little girl, not him.

I am preparing to sleep now. A strange gust of wind enters my windows and takes off the ox clock. It takes off my right hand, the basket on my head, and a horn from the ox head.

It is enough for me to understand that the time has come. She has come, it is time for me to make love with my mother. I surrender me unto you....

Icche

Kokhono kokhono icche hoy boro swarthopor hotey
Kokhono ba icche hoy doriya ey dil boiye ditey

Kokhono kokhono icche hoy premiker prem hotey
Kokhono ba icche hoy ek brihot shudhu shunyo hotey

Kokhono kokhono icche hoy dhonno dhyane byom hotey
Kokhono ba icche hoy pagol nritye motto hotey

Ar kokhono, matro ek prokanda brikkho kando hotey

Koto koto icche kokhon kokhon
Jhilik mare jokhon tokhon
Ar ami dubi oi sagorer dheu er moton
Achhar kheye bichar peye
Mucche dite icche kore
Amar naam...
Jate keu na amaye chinte pare

Khhoma

Ekbar bol nei, keu nei tor
Ekbar bol shei, shei hoy tor
Ayna tor aj nei, nei aj tor
Ache porey jhhuro kaache mukh chapa,
Ar buk phata khhoma...
Tobe khhoma keno chahibo ami?
Khhoma chaye oi paaper kami
Chahibo ki janish ami?
Tore kole kore dhore,
Geet gaitey jibon bhore
Shudhu gaan noy, jibon, jatra koto ki...
Tobe jobe hashi phute maan ey mor, jani
Hobo paar nodi, tori tor, mani tai aaj e
Mor roktey likhlam ami, tor naam.

It does not finish

Dong! says the clock
Love no more now...
Tis' my misery
That drowns me to tears...
Blue tears messed with black ink,
Swirling lines of no symmetry
Keep whirling in random frenzy.
Random, is it? Or is it not?

Today we celebrate!
That's how dawn began.
Red oozed out of every pore
Of our tender skin...
Soft, supple, serene...
That's how I had felt, not now
Then, when my eyes woke to new rays
Of a new year, our third...

Turned down! I am.
Disgusted
Ephemeral bitterness.
That look daunts me,
Says, 'I don't care, or whatever'
I scream. And thorns, they creep
Inside my neck, my throat
Helpless I am, I cry

I speak, my voice is broken
Broken words, broken dreams
Broken...
Broken broken broken.
I am, for what?
For her not looking,
Searching, stealing, or whatever
From my eyes tonight.

Ma! whispers a voice from far.
Says 'say', urges me, she pushes me
A teardrop makes a heart too heavy
She chuckles with the few words
To love her only and only son.
She is timid at best, I 'prehend.
For the foxes that howl, and growl
Make her tremble tonight.

This day I am blue.
The blue pot
Is on hold still...
It does not finish.

Rehai

Opodartho tumi!
Ey morichika samajer ghuranto chakre
Hariye phelecho tumi tomar nijeke,
Hariye phelecho jibon, ek nishphol abegey
Bhulecho tumi jibito!
Ei paaper prayoschitto hobe tomar amari haate
Pashan bhora shudhu eet ar pathore,
Rehai pabe na tumi amar sathe
Nah, rehai tomaye dilam na!

Kalir Khhob

Murkho tui ma, murkho tui
Protidin dhup, joba, ar chandan ey
Bondona koriya pujli jaharey
Aj shey chokkhur shamne ele abotarey
Dakliney tobu tui ghore taharey?
Je biswas ache tor chhata chhobir upore
Shey biswas nai tohar atmar upore?

Ekhon tumio shunyo

Tomare ami jenechi, chinechi, bujhechi
Menechi ami tomare
Bhangsi kopal deoal thukrey thukrey
Maati deoaler chitkey chitkey pore
Shei shukno maatir tukro haatey
Ar makha maati kopal maathey
Cholechi hete bhikhari pothey

Dhormer chakro tobey taanche morey
Ghaar ta dhore ghuriye ghuriye
Tobei tomaye shudhai tobey
Amar shaathe ki mon jurabey?
Bolo taholey
Chitkaar kore bolo tobey
Emon bhabey, jeno mon o pran o shuntey parey

Maatir gondhey modhur gondho
Lukiye lukiye daakche amaye
Taanchey amaye tomar theke duurey
Shorke shorke horke giye pori ami maati tei
Bhalobasha je emon pagol hobe
Jantem ki ar goto kaale?
Tobu shob chhere cheyechi ami tomare

Pora kopal amar
Je cheyechi ami tomare
Chawa pawa mishe giyeche
Jeno ghola jole maati tey
Swacchota ar nei kothao
Mone, praane bone badarey
Hariyeche shunyotar majhe

Shunyo shunyo shob e shunyo
Bhabini boibe hawa eto tibro jhore
Dhudhu mon moru prante eka ami
Dekhini karu chaya ekhane
Hau hau kore ghurni hawa kaade
Chai je koto chutte tumi ashbe
Icche je shei prokashye noy, gopon hoyei thakbe

Hridoyke ke jeno nigrey nicche
Nigrey nicchrey mucchrey dicche
Joto hobe toto hok, aaro hok
Joto pyache chhire porche, aaro jeno mone shwosti hocche
Bhuliye dao, dio na abar
Monke boli bhule jao
Khhoniker jonno urey jao

Bhalobashar ei daan jodi jantam
Kete chhirey kobe kheye pheltam
Phul dilam, dul dilam
Chokhe tomar kajol dilam
Dile ki tumi?
Diyecho bujhi?
Tobe bodh hoy niyecho oneyk beshi

Dewa newar hishab
Tomar sathe noy
Shey shob amar saha poribaare hoy
Tobe thakchi to ami shei deoalei
Parcho ki tumi rakhtey amaye tamo-heyalei?
Bibhishika tumi, dhikkar kore boli ami
Ratno ek, jatno ar-ek...

Khhone khhone krome kromey
Nishwas mor ruddho hoye ashe
Bekheyal ey thakte chaye mon
Edik odik ghure beriye
Kothaye shey tar thikana paye
Bole na keu shudhu hashe
Rakkhosh konthe shudhu atto hashi hashe

Shopne ami dekhechi amar maa ke pagol hote
Mon pran dewa guru jone der
Amaye niye hashi thatta korte
Hashuk tara shoibo ami
Tobe januk tara
Ey amar kaj noy
Amar kaj ami korbo

Aj dekhechi ratri belae
Amar prothom guru shorone
Esheche shey dhore hath maaer
Amare tuley dhoroner
Jonyo, niye je shey jete chaye
Shei thatta hashir doler kache amaye
Dekhate shey chaye tader, amar shopno

Ami tomari hey matongini
Jotoi katha di shonani
Keu toh jaane koto khani
Chepe dhore rakha jaaye
Mon pran o deher kaaye
Keu toh jaane je ritoh ei
Tomari hath dhore shey haat tey chaye

Khhoma koro ar bolina ami
Bolle koto jhamela jani
Nishwo ami, tatei bishwo amar
Ta chhara, amar bhitor shudhu shunyota
Shunyo kaaye shunyo klesh
Shunyo bayu shunyo besh
Ekhon tumio shunyo

Tai toh anubhob korte pari
Shuntey pari dekhte pari
Laal sada kalo bujhte pari
Likhte pari bolte pari
Jiboner gaan gaitey pari
Aaktey pari gortey pari
Phurti tey aj ami urtey pari...

Va.Ra.Na.Si.

Pigeons in a flurry, in a
'Knot' so much to worry
Farewell this time, long old friends
Fly to me when time comes again.
Fly with no fury, to wonder for a while.
Fly so free, so I may see
This fanciful feast, once at ease.

Bulls in a wrestle, in a
Big hungry bustle, tight in a tussle,
Voraciously howl to a thuddle-thud-thump.
Where silence does not measure
Loudness or softness, in empty gallon cans.
This silence breathes,
A deep yellow east.

Vasun-dhara-krishna-sindura
All flow through in one river of love
This sweet aroma, to breathe
Of life in sweat and glory.
This moment in time, we celebrate
In rapturous hues of fussy-dizzy-hazy
Still screaming unheard! Va.Ra.Na.Si.

Mateura

Mateura Mateura
Don't you want to know,
Where your son wants to lie?
In a lap? In a wrap?
In a red cozy cushion trap?
Or those leaves, with the wind they cry
Out for some space whispering...

Mateura Mateura
Don't you want to see,
Where your son flies free?
Through the break of a brook,
And rustle of the breeze,
The flutter tailed grey bird
Glides at ease, shivering...

Mateura Mateura
Don't you want to be,
Where your son stays in glee?
Across canopies of pine, in green serene
Among apples and peaches and plums pretty purple
While a white giant from the distance, stares at me
Gleaming, ...glistening, ...listening

Bitters

Bitterness is sweet. I believe
This bitternes we'll forget.
We have a life too big to live,
It's big big bigger than what we get!

Bitterness is fine
For us to go on and find
The reason for us to stay
This very same way, and never while away...

When we open our eyes wide enough,
We see chaste love within!
So decide in haste if you may,
But if you follow your heart, I know you'll say
This stupid foolish bitterness
Tis' nothing nothing, not today...

Bolo tumi ke?

Dekhtey dekhtey, dekhtey dekhtey...
Shudhui tomarey dekhitey dekhitey...
Aaj, khuje nahi pai tomarey
Lukiye tumi acho hey kotha?
Kaane kaane shudhu shuni shey katha
Tumi bolo tobey,
Rekhecho ki tumi e, lukiye morey?

Hai hotobhaga tui! khujish karey?
Bolchi ami pabiney taarey
Kanna dhore chokher dharey
Rekhechish taar mon aadharey
Tobu, chepe rakha kon ondhokarey
Taanche torey chhayar twarey
Dakche torey mayar bhore
Kaadchey torey jhaapte dhore...

Janish ki tui? ey kanna pore
Ondho je tui aalo aadharey
Bikel pore, noyoner ek mridu aadoley
Dekhi tomarey, tobu nao shey tumi
Chitkaar kore bolo tobey...
Tumi ke? tumi ke? tumi ke?

The swing

I'm caged... Full stop. I'm now swirling in a latitudinal swing... At the moment I'm crying in the cradle of this mother-sworn basket which lures you to sleep... In a sleep where you see what they show, a sublime essence of crystal stained glasses deluding your sense to see, with a splattering kaleidoscope of clinkerring dreams.

And all they show
Is what they have made
None what you can make
I am here now, wide awake
To tell you the truth!
So they give me a taste of their juice
Mixed by men monotoned...
And I doze
Like you and those
Who knows, why
They crave to remain
Here, where lies nothing
But sand, but a tide to learn...
That's all, and just the swing.

Vixen, her name

Fear now...
Fear you fowl!
Fear her howl...
Juicy fangs to clench
My flesh...
My pace I know
Is dragging low...

In a stealing glance
From the opening...
I can see... I can see... I can see...
A rocket on a payroll
Is chasing me...
A hippo in humble cheese 'n' spice
Is flippering flabbering love in dice...
My dove she's gone, flown a-lone...

Vixen, her name now...
With wings she's raging!
She's chasing, she's caging,
Flinching and screeching!
Green blood, her whim
Is screaming screaming screaming!

Hobey!

Ki bhabchho tobey?
Hobey ki na hobey?
Shotti hobey na mithye hobey?
Hobey toh hole kobe hobey?
Aj hobey na kal hobey?
Holeo ba ar ki je hobey?
Ei proshno khelar shesh kobey?
Bhabcho tumi ar ki hobey...

Ar ki hobey bolle hobey?
Shoitey hobey, koitey hobey
Boltey hobey hobei hobey!
Bolo ki chai, tai hobey
Tumi jodi chao tobei hobey
Thik kore shudhu chaitey hobey
Aj hobe noy kaal hobey
Hobar holey hobei hobey!

Megh ashley brishti hobey
Borsha holei shoshyo hobey
Biye holey shishu hobey
Shishu holei shey boro hobey
Churi korley dholai hobey
Dholai holei kanna pabey
Gai kaatley dhormo jabey
Dhormo gelei maan harabey

Ei poth holo shuru shobey
Aaro koto poth choltey hobey
Shomoy er shaathey chhut tey hobey
Chhut tey holey portey hobey
Portey holey uthtey hobey
Uthtey uthtey urtey hobey
Shoitey hobey, koitey hobey
Hobei hobey, hobei hobey!

Him and his remains

She has my blessings. She does not know. Unaware. She does not care.

Even if she doesn't know that she is set to be free before him, I know it. He has to stay. For some more time. Alone.

Symphony she shows. She is supposed to go happy. Because that's all she knows. That's the only way she knows. Harmony.

The tide is breaking down the walls of named wisdom. Its smooth and slow. As if there is no pain. Years, and aeons, and moments, they look the same. They slash. And smoothen the surface. Of those walls so fluently carved and crafted when made. Every lash he tries to stand strong. And slips. And slips. And slips. By now, he must have learnt to slip well, on the smoothness of once dreamt of inglorious palace walls. Lonely as it stills now. It stills. Still.

No one stays there now. Only Him. Him and his remains. And everyone else is gone now. Even her.

Ei Ami

A kaleidoscope of splifferaging colours...
Like lines that don't rhyme, yet sound like poem...
This is me. Ei ami.

Maan harano

Krishnokoli tomaye ami mani
Tomarey ami maan boli
Maan haraley,
Kotha jai ami?

Sheydin guru ghono megh daakey,
Aar mora boshey alokkhoney.
Giyechilam shudhu jharna dekhtey.
Chhilona shey jharna,
Chhilo shudhu aprostut ek barnona.
Shey barnona mele na go roj kaaley,
Kali barnona boli ami...
Kamponey jhakiya othey
Sharbo shorir aajo,
Jodi bhabi shei khhon.
Bhabiney kokhhono bhabiney
Ei amar siddhi, tai
Ei amar bidhi,
Tumi.

Aata gaache tota pakhi

Strange. Just a good word to begin with. Aaah actually, I am eating a fantastic fruit right now. Something called custard apple. Custard. With apple. And I'm feeling strange. Strange to the nest of my... mmm... inner... whatever! The truth is I am ravishingly relishing the raunchy taste of this fabulous fruit, my sweet manna. And the very strange juice of it. You know how it rolls your tongue like a hurricane ride? Sugary, sultry, pinch of soury, crude, a little rude after perpetual panache, right to the word.

Ektu tok ektu mishti,
Majhe majhe alpo kheyal.
Bodh hocche rajar phal khacchi.
Maane phul-phal, haan shei phal.
Bole take aanta.
Hashi pele kichu korar nei,
Naamtai tai.

Ja bolchilam ta holo,
Er shwaad o shourabh,
Thik je rokom jibhe theke
Allad kore,
Bodh kori ami ei muhurtey
Amar nijer astityo hariye
Sheti pran diye anubhab korchi.

Korte korte,
Bekheyale
Ashey,
Je khacche taar chhobi.
Shey ek porajito raja.
Shey raja karur noy.
Shudhu taar nijer.
Shey taar nijer raja.
Shey raja hoyeche
Taar nijer kheyale,
Nijo heyale.
Shey bhebechilo shey parbe.
Shey bhebechilo shey dewal dhore uthbe
Shey bhebechilo shey ekdin raja hobe.

Nijer i kheyale,
Aaj shey raja hoyeche.

Aata! Aaha Aata!
Tomar srishti taar i jonyo!

Tomar je rosh, antarer kosh,
Ki bhabei ba boli?
Ki bhabei ba likhi?

Banglaye,
Ami ashikkhito.
Maa kali bolchi!
Bangla bhashaye hardly porechi
Haatey gona koyekta bangla galpo,
Ar paaye gona koyekta bangla kobita.
Byas, amar dour oto tukui...

Shada table cloth,
Baati amar,
Rang taar
Shada.
Ar taar modhye
Kowa kowa aata.
Aboshyoi khola
Kowa kota chorano,
Ar amar hathe chamuch!
Chhoto, beshi boro noy
Naam tar teaspoon.
Ar mukhe ekti matro taaja kowa
Ar taar rosh...
Maane juice... strange juice!

Nah, erokomti ar hoyna...
Biswa jora ar onyo kono phal nei
Je er kachakachi o ashtey parey.

Er ek adbhut nabhi,
Er ek alada bhasha.

Chhowaye,
Gondhey,

Amar naritey
Dheuer moto,
Kampan diye choleche.
Proti kaamorey,
Proti mochorey,
Bodh hocche,
Protiti kowa ek bochhor dhore khacchi.

Mishti mukh diye shuru,
Ar ek kochlatey,
Ey pith theke o pith,
Jibher shiraye halka tok.
Ar amar mukhe photey
Chotto hashi.
Tushki hashi, ektu byaka.
Ar shei hashitei guri guri koto
Mishti lebu daana.
Jokhon maritey maritey
Makha makhi daatey
Guri guri koto daana,
Ek ashamanyo chinikrito ghorshon chhara kichu
Anubhob kora maana.

Aaj raja abhibhuto!
Ei nondoniyo abhigyotaye
Aaj raja rajokiyo!

Aaj ey aata atuloniyo!
Aaro 99 ta lobhoniyo kowa
Amar dike takiye ache shada baati theke.

Aata shey hashe, ar tota rajar gaaley aaro ek gaal hashi ashe.

Dying to Dawn...

Let’s get lost…
In the wilderness,
Of this wide wild world,
And this wide wild sea;
I so want to be.
Let’s run to the sky now,
And let the skylark sing.
The fire is blue now,
And red is the sting;
Let’s run to the sky now
For the dusk is long gone,
And the sun sleeps in cold.
Hear me tears now, that I’m crying to dawn…

I’m vying to dawn now, I'm dying to dawn...

Nine-less-stanzas

It is difficult for me to comprehend how I am writing this now... I think I am outside my body.

I can just see... small tiny insignificant movements in my thumb tips... with the nails on it... typing some rememberless words and dots...

A faint cry of Jeremy from as far as somewhere inside the seventh bone of my spine shuddering me with a silver shine of shiver... That's enough, and all... nothing else... can I breathe... or even smell... like you always do... Black is your name... nothing now.

I am seriously and fucking swear on seriously going through a goliath ordeal of strangeful painlessness... Body-less-ness... You can never know how painful it is to be void of any pain... Right now at this point of time I cannot feel my tongue... it's serious and dead... and my voice... fingertips... I don't feel touch... sense... lost... I'm listening to some sex style of some Astrix... I can't say how hard and so real hard I'm biting my tongue to even feel the slightest feather of it... Someone's screeching... in a peculiarity... a strange strangle... in a beat... up and low... smooth as a wave... a phosphorous laced crest like the gown of Desdemona... the wave of electrons... and blue light... and white streaks... all kinds of streaks... just without life... not even a streak of green... of life... something so simple spelled out like life...

Lifelost... like I feel I am... now... have become... became... a little while ago... I smoked... She rolled the hashish... Honey sting butterfly... her name... Shit... these lights... are they lights? they're glowing... like halo bright yellow daisies in an animation film... The letters you...! The letters you're writing...! Can't you really see? Yes... there are lights.... how they are glowing...! as hazy as those fireflies in the dusk-sheltered meadows searching for some space to grow old... It's up again... it's taking you there... Me am towards in a screech of hollow... but I can't feel myself... I'm just travelling... in speed... in streaks... in the flow of liquid electrons zilac in colour... I still can't feel my tongue... and it's dancing on... in thumps... the steel wave of liquid electrons... Tiesto it feels... I realize my legs are fluttering... not like the feathers of a cold wet sparrow... much slower... in a beat or an ebb... with the wave... Shit... I trust, swear me... I am not on acid... iamlike... am I? These letters are glowing again... like fireflies in dusk...

You must have been out of your head... You are... Can you feel the zeal in your crotch? Yes I'm feeling it... It's taking me away... it's dropping me... like a free fall... like near a distant star...! Difficult to say or know if its the wind or just the breeze... and yes didn't I say that I am inside an intermittently speeding auto rickshaw...? I must have been high... must I am fucking numb... And don't you dare ask what's the difference...? It is... it's different today... it's outer space... it's differently a lot... totally never before... nothing feels familiar... because I can't feel nothing... not even my tongue... The zeal is taking through...

The zeal is taking through... and the station is arriving... I feel a knock on my forehead like the knock of... fuck it... liar liar... I'm screaming... through every pore... of my self... you can't see... you can't... you...

Things are seeming normal now... A familiar voice of Young is singing a low note... and I can swear he doesn't scream... he can't... I think I'm starting to feel sweat again... I think I can't say what... I want to see the sun now... I lift my eyes to see the sky... and I see... dusk has kissed goodbye...

It's time it's over... it's time for home now... I'm going home now... rolling the stones... returning to soft... as solitude... and I will remember me... in this time.

Dance of Life

I was in a conversation. With clouds.
As she was playing with me. It was her wish.
She wanted me to know.

I was shivering. My teeth chattering.
Waiting for the rain to go. I said its okay.
But it wasn't yet time.

What is wrong with you? I asked.
Almost shrieked. Trying to hold myself in my senses.
She just smiled. And glistened. In the rain.

I walked for shelter. Asked her to follow.
I ran. Into the warehouse. Waiting.
Red roof. White door. Empty.

The door was open. I stepped inside.
And I thought I am dying. I was.
Numb. Nothing. Blank.

She had made it. Brought the thunder.
And struck upon me. Lightning.
Hair flying wet, there she danced.

Misery

I have no clue
Of this misery I'm going through...
Is she running away...?
First I felt it...
In my skin slowly growing a sting...
And I wonder
Where she ran away...

The Stone Rhyme

A puff, then a huff, and I sing the stone rhyme.
This crime I’ve committed now so a-many time;
Singing stories of blue and yellow in dozens for a dime.
See honey-sting butterflies play war in my mind.

They struggle and they wiggle,
And they tickle your brain.
They keep coming like fire,
Over again and over again.
They chain you they pain you,
They cry you in vain.
They grain you they stain you,
They make you insane.

Stoning and blooming are mere forces of nature,
Stoners and flowers look all the same.
Forgiving is a sin in a world of sinners.
Oh sinner, say sinner, who is to blame?

I see foolish people all around,
Doing stupid foolish things.
In a stage of stupid eunuchs,
Clapping their foolish wings.
So I’d like to take a walk now,
In the valley of green.
Where dewdrops sparkle all around,
In my dreams I’ve seen.

So I huff, then I puff, and
I sing the stone rhyme.
I know, this crime I’ve committed
Now, so a-many time.

My mirror forever

I want to see you,
When I want to see myself...
As always...
I see myself when I see you...
You are, and you will be...
My mirror...
Forever... Its true.

Shesh pala?

Krishnokolir aaji shesh holo ei pala?
Baaje shaarey chartey...
Shaarey pachta, shaarey chhota...
Shaarey shaat ta, shaarey aat ta...
Aj krishnokolir shondhaye neelchey dupurbela

Krishnokoli tobe tumi keno eshechiley?
Krishnokoli britha tumi brithaye heshechiley...

Krishnokoli tomar paane bare bare cheyechi
Krishnokoli tomar kole trishanti peyechi...

Shopner chador aaji dhekeche amarey
Eke eke jaye ashe
Torey torey, storey storey
Dheu ey bheshe mile mishe
Baare baare jhonkaar ey
Guru guru megh daake
Ar kono ek neel chador er phakey
Shono krishnokoli haake
Shuntey ki pao tumi? Shuncho ki taake?

Sweet Virus!

I look,
And it looks like
Metal, golden gold metal...
I hear,
And it sounds like
Battle! A-Clang! Steel! Rattle!
Virus! You! You make me unsettle...

So I thought,
Was a fool I was?
And I brought,
My mind to a pause...
Then I caught,
My heart bleed words...
I ask and I rot,
Am I the one that was?

Scream! I hear you, your mellifluous beat.
I promise I'll take you to the rain-washed street!
Enchant me O dear O my Darling Dark!
Sing me your song and I shall hark...
Show me the trails of your honey scent crawlers,
Scream! You sweet virus! Spray me your colors,
Spray me your colors,
Spray me your colors...

Even if you forget me...

I smiled,
‘Cos I thought I'm reading my mind....
I loved,
‘Cos I felt love when I am so loved...
And I shall
Love,
Till the day you remember…

A faint saint glimpse
Of my face,
Of my black and my white...
Dusk after day after dawn after night,
Love will grow...
It has to grow,
Like a snail so slow...
In time it'll show…

And then I shall know,
That you have loved me…
Forever,
And forever you will...
Even if you forget me,
You'll love me still, I know you will.

I will...

I will hold, I will…
Hold your heart to the sun, I will.
I will burn, I will…
Burn my lips to a kiss, a kiss I will.
Like air loveth flare, the fire you’ll feel…
Like pink petal lotus,
Snow shelter I will…

You will feel, you will…
If you don’t, I will.
I will love, I will…
If I don’t, be still, be still, be still…
Shiver not, be still until
You feel loved, you will…
If you don’t, I will…
Forever and still, till death can kill.

If you say you love me, say will you kiss me?
Like the sun kissed ray…
Like a moon missed day…
Say will you stay? Just the same way?
Nay, if I may, let me shout and say…
Let me shout and say, I will, I will, I will…

Kiss amiss…

A kiss, a kiss
Kiss, amiss…
How could you miss?
Amiss this kiss…
O miss! O miss!
Can you please me kiss?
I wish you kiss, nay kiss amiss…

I love…

I am a bad boy,
I love.
I love, love, love,
And I love when I’m tired.
I love,
I stand tall and love all.
I am a bad boy, I love.

Choruibhatir Bhoj

Aj shubho diner ghonta baje, ey je ashe nako roj
Esho mashi pishi mama jethu, aj choruibhatir bhoj

Khete pele shutey chao, tai machher pashbalish
Phurphure bhaat ey shuru, koro na go nalish

Jhur jhure alu bhaja, ashe jhuri jhuri
Makho makho moog daal ey makha makhi kori

Swadey swadey utshobey, phulkopi koi
Malai kari tey chingri, kore hoichoi

Koshiye pathar mangsho khete boro khatni
Jhal jodi lage, ache alubokhrar chatni

Cheteputey khete khete papor er shathe
Mishti mukh hote hobe rajbhog patey

Hath dhuye mukh muchey, kulfi tey ashi
Paan diye shesh kori, mukh bhore hashi...

Fly to me...

In vain, I’ve tried to forget your name. Over and over and over again. I’ve wept and I’ve cried, in-visible tears. The blue blood is cold now, inside my vein. No more pretensions, no more stories. No more veils to hide no more. The time is come now, set me free. Would you fly with me to the blueberry shore?

I’ve been foolish, so foolish to watch you go. And then I’ll be lost, I never did know. Today I know, and I say you’re the one. You are my angel, the one from the sun. I’ve dressed you, and I’ve missed you, and I’ve kissed you in my dream. Can you hear me? O hear me! Do you hear me when I scream?

O Goddess of moon, remember the dreams you have dreamt.
With me, your me, the nights you have spent.
You took me in your arms for an endless time.
Where I’ve rested in peace, in love sublime.
Remember the moment you looked into my eyes.
Like a shining star in the darkest skies.
As I held you so close, so near to my heart.

Your arms wrapped around me, which nothing could part.
Our bodies so naked, and our souls entwined.

I still can hear your whisper in my mind.
I still can feel the touch of your skin.

I still can smell your zephyr flowing.
Your hair on my neck, and your breath so warm.

It felt like life that I’ve longed and I’ve yearned.

Let me be your only one, see my love, can you see? I’m a bird in chains, I want to fly, love me be, set me free. The time is come now O bluebird, fly my love, fly to me.

Janoki

Mayer kole hashe janoki, godhulir paane cheye
Jane ki naki, jane naki shey, janoki tar meye?
Roop kironer, surjo jyoti, teer dhonukey badha
Aj rong beronger phul phuteche, lal nil ar shada...

Live, and you will learn...

Krishnokoli

Ajke mor shopne tumi Krishnokoli eshecho
Pran krishno bromor koli hridoyre tumi chuyecho
Kesh kajoler, kajol deho, kajol tomar ankhi
Adrishyo tomar aishwarjo, kajole makha makhi
Chokher kaalo bhasha bhasha, jeno moner bhasha koy
Raater tara shudaye morey 'tor kishetey bhoy?'

Byomkiyo na, dhomkiyo na, amarey tumi chomkiyo na
Mrigotrishartho morubhumi te asha nirashar byatha dio na
Rukkho hridoye, shukkho dehey, pranheenotaye bachi
Pran bhromra pran diye jao, urey esho kacha kachi
Hotei hobe tomake amar, shudhu shomoyer anagona
Koto opekkha koto protikkha, ekhono shey ojana
Kaya premer krishno tumi, amari koli hobe
Maya hridoyer chirodini mor krishnokoli robe

Come Along...

Velvet Ivory Cascade, was the fall of her hair,
With a whiff of snow jasmine enchanting the air.
Our eyes haven't met yet, but we can see
The long, the lonely wait till eternity.
And the moment she looked into my eyes,
I caught a glimpse of the chameleon skies.
With a splash of rain, and a bolt of thunder,
Somethin' so sweet that made me wonder...
Where on earth has my love all gone?
To be loved like this, left all alone?
For you my you, I've been waiting so long...
So I try to whisper and sing this song...
Let the little bird fly, her mother's long gone...
Now I spread my wings, would you come along...?

The Crescent Smile

Cobalt blue eyes. Dark Cobalt blue. Somehow I knew they were black. But then, I felt blue. Dark Cobalt blue. Staring at me, expecting something. Something, to say, or something, to be said. He is sitting in a cab, a bright yellow one, not in the driver’s seat but just beside the opposite window. Staring at me, expecting something.
Where to? He questions.
I could hear him but I really could not. I was somewhere else. Lost. In the bustle of man made machinery, interrupted by strange honks louder than any mammal alive, punctuated with desperate curses of the machine pullers, shriller than a baby’s cry. I can see moving laser lights, like thick beams of the sun. Sometimes white, sometimes red and most often an unidentifiable blue. Which looks like the arctic cold but if you go too close you will feel wounded by its unnatural heat. They’re all moving. Faster than anything that God has put on earth. If anything called God exists at all.
I can see insects. I do not know what they feed on but they are so big, they might defeat you in a wrestle. Insects in lines. Straight lines. Crooked lines. Broken lines. All kinds of lines. And some, wander alone without caring about any of these lines. They walk alone. But they are very few, and you can hardly notice them in the struggle of all these lines. Maybe they are the bugs, bugged down by the histrionics of this foolish machine that they find themselves stuck in. Maybe I am just one of them. Stuck.
In the confusion of this huge, goliath huge and loud, shrieking loud and bright, flashing bright circus of man made marvels, I happened to notice something, I should have long back. Prussian blue sky. And dots of stars. Like diamond studs. And a faint crescent shape. The faintness is not because of the few strands of hovering rain clouds, but the cloud formed by the exhaust pipes of the circus. This cloud for them, is quite natural. For the insects. Forming new kinds of lines every passing moment. And in this fantasy, I was lost.
It had been long. Two days can be really long. Two days that I hadn’t smoked some green. And today I had decided to. This fair decision became reason enough for me to get out and seek refuge in a friend’s place. For a few hours. It felt good again. Friend’s name? Irrelevant. I was somewhere else. Lost. Again.
Suddenly I realize that I am supposed to get back. Back to where I came from. And it was getting late. A smile on my face and I think who decides what’s late? I realize the yellow covering a chunk of my view. And the Cobalt blue which had caught a grey hue by now. Like a spider’s web getting dense and denser, day after day. And I realize someone’s asking something.
Haldiram’s. I said and stared back at the Cobalt blue grey spider web, as if trying to clamber my way through the grey, to the core of its nest, to find out what the spider was thinking. I couldn’t know, even if I tried to. Maybe the spider never knew my language. He kept staring as I opened the back door and sat right behind, without waiting for him to say anything.
He turns his head back, like an owl, with a plastic white cup in his left hand, which exhumed fumes of hot tea, I presumed. He, is still staring. A blank stare. Not into my eyes but into me. As if he wanted to know what I was, man or maggot, where I came from, mars or moon, what I really ate, meat or mite, before he could actually start speaking. Not a word. Still. For a split second, I sensed stupid by the stupidity of this stupefying scene. And I interrupt.
Do you know Haldiram’s?
Nothing. Blankness. And the crawling spider.
Do you understand English?
I thought he belonged to the same tribe as that of the spider in his eyes, who never knew my language. Blankness. Continued.
Are you going to drive?
This question to my relief cut the stupidity. And he spoke. Finally.
No sir, I can’t drive. He’s coming.
This man’s voice sounded gross. Like the grunt of a pig. The kind of grunt you will not hear. But feel. In your spine. Or maybe like the rotten engine roar of a vintage car, to sound better. I was reminded of Jigsaw from a movie series where he killed people in the most psychotic way, using machines he designed just for the purpose. He put his victims in chambers, and tied them, and clamped them, and stitched them to those machines and gave them an option to survive. A way out. But only through an ordeal of excruciating pain which was often life-taking. And he called that a game which he liked to play. Fascinating. Although Jigsaw carried a chic of charisma in his cynical character, he was a complete psycho. Although he was a complete psycho, I felt relief in the pig’s grunt. At least the pig grunted. I had thought the pig was dumb.
As he turned back, the way he was before, with the white plastic cup in his left hand, I noticed something. Something I should have noticed before. But I didn’t. Till now. I was lost. Almost. His right hand was not there. It was cut off from the blade of his shoulder. And the right sleeve of his shirt was folded till it could not be folded anymore. Now I knew. And a few answers to a few questions started gathering. And immediately, I was lost. Again. In one of Jigsaw’s chambers. With rotting rats spilled like the vomit of a smack addict. Ropes of spider webs. Thick Ropes. Stink like the foul burp of a cannibal. Sweat like mating snakes. And this pig, chained down in the centre, clamped to an iron chair. This time Jigsaw had his victim’s right hand stitched to a part of the chair. And the pig yelled grunt and shrieked grunt and cried grunt. For help. But his only option was to cut his right hand so that he could live. Be free. He could. But he could not. He could not. But he had to. His only option. To live. Jigsaw enters. And the driver’s door crunched open.
He had already stepped one of his legs inside which was jostling for some space underneath the driver’s seat, when the pig grunted again.
Haldiram’s. He remarked looking at the driver, with one of his eyebrows raised in that crescent shape, a question mark.
The driver with half his body still outside, turns his head to look at me. A queer look. A look to decide which family of maggots I belonged to. Or which city of moon I came from. Or which part of the mite I liked the best. This time, I say nothing. I wait. And without a further word, the engine starts in a short while.
The car is moving and I see a picture of Kali, half the size of my palm stuck in the middle of the dashboard. It has fluorescent light bulbs twinkling all around. This driver must be in his mid thirties. With rough beard glued all over his face. I didn’t know what he sounded like. Because he never spoke. And I didn’t care. I couldn’t decipher his partner’s age though. I tried to. Maybe thirty, thirty two. Or perhaps, easily more than forty five. Mystery. And I didn’t care.
The car is moving now. I thought I should ask him how he’d cut his hand. Maybe he would say by an accident. Or from birth. Or Jigsaw. Maybe. I didn’t care I decided. Truth is I didn’t want to hear that grunt. No more.
As the cab started gaining speed, three of us were the only souls who were still. And everything else passed by like lightning. I look outside the window. And I was caught. Again. Laser lights streaked past. Sometimes white, sometimes red and most often an unidentifiable blue. Insects. Lines. Bugs. Honks and curses. Everything comes back. In faster motion. I shudder at the sight and bring myself to the Prussian blue, quite compulsively. It’s calm. It’s quiet. It’s peace. The way I like it. The warm breeze of the after sun feathering my face. The way I like it. There aren’t many stars tonight, but the crescent shape is a relic. You can’t hold it, nor can you keep it. You can just see. And feel good. If you want to. The few strands of rain clouds had collected in a bunch, and it looked like it would rain. My lips followed the crescent shape and I smiled.
I remember a shortcut underneath a flyover, which would save me some notes. An insignificant amount. Maybe. But I preferred that way. It’s dingy. It’s a slum. There are no lights. There is poverty. There are no lines. There is satisfaction. There are no honks. There is sanity. It’s dingy. And it’s a slum. With no addresses written on any of the unsettled tin roofs and black rubber curtains. Not many insects would take this way. But I would. Every time. I like seeing what most people won’t see. I like being what most people will never be. It’s calm. It’s quiet. It’s peace. The way I like it.
I see the flyover approaching. And I wait. Till it comes. Its almost there. And it’s coming. It comes and I call the driver.
Take the right. It’s shorter that way.
Can’t take right sir, roads are bad. And there are no lights.
The driver sounded quite normal, much unlike his partner. So I decided to insist. And I did. But he insisted back. I never expected the pig to grunt anything anymore. I was not really fond of his voice, to speak the truth. But my intuition, the pig grunted again.
Election time, sir. Mohammedan area. Total basti. Better to be on a safer road. Muslims, you know. I think you understand.
I did not. Really. With eyebrows strangely perplexed, I did not want to understand. I felt a sting. I do not know where. My head, my stomach, kidney, heart or my bones? Where? I did not understand. I thought I would say something. But the sting. And I forgot what to say. The sting. Hopped skipped and jumped. Somewhere inside. And I said something else.
I hope YOU understand.
A quiet while. A drop of relief. And I said to myself, hardly audible.
Someday you will.
And I said nothing else. And the car is still moving. I just stare at the back of his head. A pair of invisible eyes. I know they are not there. But I want them. I want the spider. I want to snatch it. I want to crush it between my teeth. I want to gulp it down with a bottle of poison. So that it’s dead for sure, and it never comes back.
I look outside the window. I try to face the breeze. I don’t feel it. All I can face, or see, or feel is something very different, something very difficult. Uncomfortable. The sting. Hops skips and jumps. Movie reels. Moving faster than before. Much faster. In fast forward motion. They come and they go. Before I can realize. They’re gone. Something else comes. I can’t make out. I can’t see. I can’t think. My mind is clogged. Clouded. I can’t breathe. The sting. Hops skips and jumps. I search for the calm. The Prussian blue. And the diamond studs. And the crescent shape. But everything is hazy. Unclear. Faded. Lost. Except for the sting. It hops skips and jumps. Incessant still. It stings.
I had learned, rather taught myself a truth. Freedom was always another word for Control, over your own self. The car turned right on the main road crossing. And things started slowing down. The sting is in control. For now. The window frame and everything inside it started making sense. Again. And I relaxed a bit. I knew it was the last leg of my journey. And I knew I wanted to feel the warm breeze for the last time.
I see two coconut trees. Siblings. Very tall. Very dark. Yeah. And. Very handsome. Lucky for them. It must have been thirteen years for them standing by the hi-road. Watching laser lights. And smelling man made clouds. And feeling sick about it. They are still there. Standing tall. And dark. And handsome.
I see two kids. A boy and a girl. They are playing badminton under a halogen lamp post. Two broken rackets and a crushed paper ball. It’s about to rain. And they don’t care. I see an old old. OLD. Man. He is walking in a right angle. With a stick to balance the extra weight. He. HAS hair. A shade of white sprayed evenly on his skull. One of the bugs. Maybe. I presumed. He likes walking back home alone. He could. Probably he could not. He could not. But probably he had to. His only option. To live.
I see a tree. It’s tall. Taller than you and me. It’s right on the edge of the pitch. It’s a big tree. Bigger than you and me. The only thing special about it, is that it does not have any leaves. None. For now. It has stopped watching laser lights. And stopped smelling man made clouds. And stopped feeling sick about it. Listen. There’s more. I see a happy man. Sure. He WAS happy. I knew it. I do not know what state he was in, but I see him hugging the trunk of the naked tree, with a crescent smile on his lips. I do not know what the truth is, but I see him find solace, in love. In the Crescent. He was blown. I presumed. But he was happy. And he didn’t care. Much more.
The car pulled over just opposite Haldiram’s. Just as instructed. And the pictures come to a pause. Suddenly still. Did I feel the breeze? Yes. I did. I smile. And take out a note written 50 Rupees from my wallet. I hand it over to the driver. I open my door. Step out. With half my body still inside, I turn my head to look at the driver. A queer look. And I start.
What would you say if I had said…
I did not finish and I step out completely. I close the door. Both partners were by now bending over in their own ways to listen to what I had to say. I move a little forward, and bend over. So that my eyes are in line with that of my pig. Silent grunt. Dead spider. I finish.
I am a Muslim.
The Cobalt blue. Felt blank. For a moment. The crescent shape wasn’t there. Anywhere. And then, Cobalt looked. Stupefied. Petrified. Mortified. Continued with a hue of blood shot cheeks in shame. And chin. And head. And heart. And bones. Too. Maybe. I presumed.
As I turn to walk away, with the faint Crescent on my lips, searching for the Prussian blue, it starts pouring. Raining. Like life. Like everything else that God has put on earth. If anything called God exists at all. I smile, and I keep walking.